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The violent and senseless death of a loved one causes numbing physical and emotional pain to victims, their families and their friends.

As a friend or family member, you may feel that you do not know what to say or do at this difficult time, but there are ways that you can provide support for your loved one.

There is wisdom in knowing what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do.

What to do…

Listen fully.

Be there. Make yourself available, not just for the first few days when many friends are present, but even months later when others have returned to their normal routine. Don’t worry. Being there means more than you know. Nothing you can say or do will “fix it”, so your role is to stand by them as they go through this experience. For years afterwards, anniversary dates (such as the wedding anniversary, or date of the death) can be a stressful time for the survivors. Why not mark such dates on your calendar so that when they come around, you can make yourself available, if necessary, for sympathetic support?

Take appropriate initiative.

Are there errands that need to be run? Is someone needed to watch the children or pets? Do visiting friends and relatives need a place to stay? Recently bereaved persons are often so stunned that they do not even know what they need to do, let alone tell others how they may help. So if you discern a genuine need, do not wait to be asked … take the initiative.

Be hospitable.

Instead of a “come anytime” invitation, set a date and time. If they refuse, do not give up too easily. Some gentle encouragement may be needed. Perhaps they decline your invitation because they are afraid of losing control of their emotions in front of others. Or they may feel guilty about enjoying a meal and companionship at such a time.

Be patient and understanding.

Do not be too surprised by what bereaved ones may say at first. Remember, they may be feeling angry or guilty. Accept all feelings. Don’t try to talk anyone out of what they feel. If an outburst is directed at you, patience on your part will help you to respond to the irritation.

Write a letter.

Often overlooked is the value of a letter of condolence or a sympathy card. It can say that you care and that you share a special memory about the deceased, or it can show how the person who died touched your life.

What not to do….

Do not keep away because you do not know what to say or do.

Do not pressure them to stop grieving.

Do not be quick to advise them to discard clothing or other personal effects of the deceased before they are ready.

Do not necessarily avoid mentioning the departed one.

Helping a bereaved person calls for compassion, discernment and love on your part. Do not wait for the bereaved one to come to you. Do not simply say, “If there’s anything I can do …” Find that “anything” yourself, and take the appropriate initiative.

*this page reprinted with permission from MADD Orange County

The following are a few statements that may also assist you when speaking to victims or survivors of impaired driving crashes:

Hurtful:

I know how you feel

- (You do not know how they feel)

He’s better off

- (minimizes reality of the loss)

She’s in a better place

- (minimizes the reality of loss)

Don’t cry. Everything is going to be okay

- (crying relieves pain)

You’ll get over it

- (minimizes situation)

You shouldn’t feel that way

- (you can’t control feelings)

It’s God’s will

- (causes survivor to be angry at God when support is needed; also, please be sure to respect each person’s religious and spiritual beliefs)

You are so strong/you’re an inspiration

- (sets expectations to live up to)

You must get on with your life

- (they know that, feels judgmental)

Time heals all wounds

- (time heals, but not all wounds)

Helpful:

I’m so sorry

- (simple, direct, validates emotions)

If I were in your situation, I’d feel angry/sad/confused too

- (validates emotions, offers support, reassurance)

It’s harder than most people realize

- (validates emotions, normalizes, encourages them to seek support)

Who in your life can you count on to continue to share your pain with

- (validates emotions, encourages seeking support, introduces element of control)

Most people who have gone through this feel somewhat like you do

- (validates emotions, offers reassurance, sense of control, predictability)

I will check back to see how you are feeling and if there is anything else I can do for you

- (validates significance of loss, expresses concern, introduces element of control)

Make a personal contact to see the person

- (shows you care)

Those who are injured in impaired driving crashes have similar feelings and the above statements apply to them as well including:

Hurtful:

At least or you’re lucky that . . .

- (minimizes)

You are alive, You will get well

- (recovery is rarely complete)

Helpful:

What can I do to assist you

- (element of control)

I am glad you are still here

- (tell them why)

Tell me again what happened

- (helps person to deal with crash)

*reprinted with permission from MADD San Diego